My Bloody Chocolate Head on a Stick
Mickey screamed with horrific terror but none of his friends were there to hear him. He could only stare with his fixated icy grin at the giant bearded man wearing an enormous baseball hat who was preparing to devour Mickey. Mickey's chocolate mind raced trying to remember how he got himself in this predicament. The end was rapidly approaching as he was being inched closer and closer to his misfortune. The fuzziness of an apparent hangover began to dissipate and the events leading up to his nightmare began to come into view with an uncanny final luminosity.
Mickey remembered that the night before he had gone out with friends for a night of drinking at Epcot. It was much needed as Minnie had been pestering him again about getting married. This was a consistent item of contention in their long relationship because Minnie was very jealous. Mickey understood why she felt this way. He did spend a major portion of his time with beautiful princesses but most of them were already married or at least in serious relationships. Mickey, for his part, had remained pretty faithful. There was a only one incident during their relationship where Mickey had faltered. A spell was cast on him by Ursula which led to a very passionate one night stand under, above and in the sea. He was chocolate and Ursula had a craving for a chocolate fix but both had regrets after the tryst. Ursula and Mickey agreed to never speak of it again and as far as he knew Minnie was never aware of the affair. This was for the best because Mickey didn't want to be known as damaged goods.
Mickey now returned his thoughts back to the night of drinking that started at the Rose and Crown pub at Epcot. The plan was to throw back a couple of beers with his buddies. He wasn't much of a drinker as alcohol went straight to his head. The usual group of friends Goofy, Aladdin, and Donald were on their second drink when all hell broke loose. Gaston walked into the bar and immediately spotted Mickey and friends at the corner booth. Gaston was still pining but was actually more angry that he lost Belle to a dim-witted beast. For some reason, Gaston blamed Mickey for his love loss even though Mickey could care or less. Gaston immediately started ordering rounds of tequila which is always a recipe for disaster. Mickey's first concern was Donald because he tended to be an angry drunk. Even though they were life long friends, Donald wasn't easy to get along when sober. Goofy quickly excused himself from the mayhem that was about to ensue. Goofy was trying to start a fitness club and let's just say that he has had many issues with the equipment. After the seventh shot Donald got up, grumbled something about Daisy and never returned. That left Mickey with Aladdin as the only protection from his unwanted enemy Gaston. Then Gaston ordered that the three were headed to Yensid. Whether the tequila or Gaston's enormous biceps were the deciding factor, Mickey now realizes that this trip was his fatal mistake.
Yensid is the darker part of the Disney universe. It's not a place where Mickey's chocolaty goodness was accustomed nor welcomed by locals. Gaston however fit right in with these miscreants. After all, his self professed one great skill was expectorating! Gaston ushered the trio into Geppetto's bar and grill. Mickey learned that this was one of Gaston's favorite drinking establishments. Mickey was familiar with the tragic events that had forced Geppetto into Yensid. Geppetto's one wish was that his wooden puppet Pinocchio would become human. The good news is that this came true. The bad news is that once becoming human, Pinocchio ran off with some ass named Lampwick. This event led to their talking cricket friend named Jiminy to commit suicide by hurling himself into a bug zapper. Geppetto's cat, Figaro, ate the family pet goldfish Cleo. In a moment of rage and given all the tragic events Geppetto had Figaro neutered. Geppetto left the shiny Disney universe in shame and started his low rent bar in Yensid. Once again, for no valid reason, Mickey was blamed by Geppetto for being cast out of Nirvana.
By this time the tequila shots were far too many to remember. Mickey's vision became a kaleidoscope of colors. Aladdin had been gone about two hours before Mickey noticed. Mickey surmised that he was on his way back to Agrabah. Aladdin was lucky because he had a designated carpet. Mickey had nervously asked several times about leaving but Gaston bullied him into another tequila shot. Mickey began to try and focus on some of the other bar patrons. His heart sunk and he became very nervous as he recognized several people at the other tables. Why was he nervous? Well the seven dwarfs were there and were notorious heavy drinkers. They resented being called dwarfs instead of "little people" and Dopey was incensed at being singled out for having a lower IQ than his fellow housemates. Cinderella's evil stepsisters received such bad press that they resorted to performing at a gentlemen's club in Yensid as the "evil strip sisters". The caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland got so hooked on smoking for his role in the film that he became hooked on crack. All of the people in one way or another blamed Mickey for their present misfortune. And so, at some point during the early morning hours, someone slipped Mickey a Mickey in his drink.
Mickey now had full cognizant memory of the events leading up to his present blood curdling situation but it was far too late. He had woken up from drinking in a portable freezer unable to escape and now was going to be a Disney dining snack for this giant man wearing a hat. The first bite was a crushing cracking blow to Mickey's ear. In a cruel sadistic show of dominance, the giant man took a picture of Mickey with his ear ripped from his face. Mickey then screamed with every remaining ounce of energy but to no avail. The next bite was fatal and the chocolate Mickey was completed obliterated in a cannibalistic style leaving nothing but the quickly discarded stick.
The moral of the story is that tequila and chocolate don't mix. Sorry Mickey!